When the ex left 9 years ago today, I guess I was kind of hoping for this
or maybe even this (not the wedding, more the sentiment)
but instead in the intervening 9 years I am not only sat here by myself again on a Friday night, but there has not been one single person who has looked at me in that time and thought "hey, there's the person who I could look forward to seeing at the end of every day." That's 9 years without adult companionship of any description, and when I say any description, I mean nothing not even a single promising conversation that might lead to something new, let alone anything physical.
And yes, I know the right answer is that a woman is supposed to be able to be happy without having someone in their life, but now it just hurts that no one can look beyond the admittedly terrible exterior and see someone worth even having a conversation with.
So is it all bad? No. I didn't cry when he left because I was so relieved it was over. My son seems to be pretty happy. I am managing to get him the best education I can, which in this case is in a private school, and I am doing that without any financial or emotional input from the ex of any kind. Since he left I have bought my own house, but the fact is that it is a total mess both inside and out, my money situation has deteriorated and I live in fear of the phone call or letter regarding money.
When we were together, home was a place where I was constantly denigrated about everything, especially about how bad a mother I was, so work was the one place where I could seem to be confident and good at something. I am not even sure that is true anymore.
I live on the periphery of other people's lives and that is as true online as it is in real life, no matter what I do to try and change that. It just doesn't seem that I have the type of personality that makes me essential to anyone.
And when it comes down to it, this stuff is just stuff that we just don't talk about at all like the proverbial elephant in the room. And the worst thing is, I just can't see this changing any time in the near future.
Now I am going to regret posting this as it shows what my thinking is like behind the mask that I have firmly in place most of the time.